A Survivor’s Guide to Talking with Survivors of Child Abuse

As I become more vocal regarding child abuse prevention, I find myself talking more about the abuse I suffered as a child, the wounds it caused, and my recovery journey.  Child abuse is not an easy subject to discuss as it tends to make people uncomfortable. I know I was very uncomfortable when I started talking my childhood abuse and I was very uncomfortable hearing about others’ abuse. 

Over the years I’ve become much more comfortable discussing the topic of child abuse and doing so with a wide range of people.  Some people seem to have a sixth sense when it comes to discussing child abuse; they know what to say and when to say it.  Maybe more importantly, they know what not to say.  Other people seem to have whatever the opposite of the sixth sense is; and most people are somewhere in between.

Regardless of a person’s communication skills, child abuse is still a difficult subject to discuss. So, here’s my guideline for talking to victims of child abuse.  Please note that this is solely based on my opinion and my experiences.  Others may agree in whole, agree in part, disagree in part, or completely disagree.

To begin, if you do not want to engage in a conversation about child abuse or discuss a victim’s child abuse, wounds, and/or recovery journey, you have that right.  I suggest telling the person that, “I’m currently not in a place to engage is such a conversion”, wish them well, and walk away.

If you do want to engage in the conversation, then here’s my list of communication tips:

1.         Listen – As a victim of child abuse, it takes courage to discuss the abuse and its life challenges. For me, I had to overcome the shame, embarrassment, fear, and social stigma of being a victim.  When I finally had the courage to talk, I found it most helpful for the other person to just listen.  I was not looking for them to fix me or to take my pain away, which leads to the next tip.

2.         No Unsolicited Advice – Do not offer advice unless specifically asked regarding a particular topic.  If you have advice that you are compelled to share, then ask, “May I offer some advice?” before giving it.  

3.         Thank You – I find it very comforting to hear, “Thank you for sharing”.  Also, I’m honored when someone is comfortable enough with me to share their story and it feels good to say, “Thank you”.

4.         Acknowledgement – Growing up, an abusive environment was my norm.  Having others tell me that what I experienced was awful, horrific, traumatic, and/or undeserved helps me put my childhood in proper perspective.  

5.         Resourceful – This is a new one for me, but it’s very helpful to hear that I must have been a resourceful child to survive what I did and to protect a part of me that wanted to be a good person.  This makes me realize that I had no choice as a child but to endure and survive the best I could and that I did a pretty good job of it.

6.         Supportive – This is a tricky one because it’s not for everyone; it’s for people that are close to the victim of child abuse and only for a set of them.  It’s comforting to know that someone has my back; that they are there for me when needed.  

Hopefully, as the topic of child abuse prevention is more openly talked about, the conversations will be less difficult.  As the topic gets easier to discuss and the more people are discussing it, the more progress we can make to prevent child abuse.